Ben

I would say that I definitely battled with depression in my early teens. Well, basically I was living in a household that wasn't really safe.

Um, it was with my mother and her boyfriend and um, there was a lot of violence going on. I was usually the victim of it just because I wasn't his son. He had, ahh, two others; my brothers. All those, you know, bad days at work he would take it out on me that sort of thing. I kind of went into a dark place, kind of was really alone, um, I did actually kind of feel emotionless, the way I didn't have love from home, that sort of thing.

In those, I did turn to self-harm. I kind of gave my mother an ultimatum between me and the boyfriend and she chose him. So um, so from there I went and lived with my grandparents so they were a very big part of my life. The fact that they welcomed me back with open arms and then, you know; helped me get on the right path, helping me cope with the depression and the recovery. Yeah I'm just very thankful for them and all they've done for me. You know, I was in a real bad place and they opened up their home for me.

My grandmother was always there for me, she could always tell when something was just not quite right and she was always there to talk to me. Um, you know, and she gave me the love that I didn't get at home which was great; I had actual parents for the first time in my life which was... Yeah, moving in with them I set goals for myself, um, started actually learning how to function properly, I was learning how to cook breakfast, that sort of thing.

I did see the school counsellor quite a bit, um, I had a weekly appointment with him. You know, going to see him for the first time and I was like, you know, 'This may not work, I'm just going to be talking about stuff'. Looking back on them he was giving me a new point of view, um, 'How can we try and see things from a different angle to try and problem solve it that way?' Umm, so that was, that was really helpful. But I am looking at, hopefully become like a school counsellor or something like that and you know, help people going through like, some of the situations I went through.

So yeah, it definitely, I definitely do feel like I'm a better person having gone through it. I managed to beat depression, so, you know just, basically everything that I've gone through has moulded me into the person I am today.

Adrian

I don't think one thing or another really triggered my anxiety or depression but I've got a few things about me that kind of make me kind of a good candidate to have both these things and that is I am a transgender man and I am also diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

Yeah, I never really knew how depressed I was until a friend pointed it out to me and then I kind of realised that this isn't healthy and it isn't normal. It wasn't just happiness that I stopped feeling, it was almost any positive emotion. I had no self-confidence and I just kind of felt numb and with anxiety it kind of feels like everything is going around you so fast and you're trying to keep track of everything and it's just a huge amount of stress over like something that you probably can't even pinpoint.

I felt like there was no way that this was going to get better. I thought that this who I was for my entire life now because I thought it kind of came as a package with being transgender, just having Crohn's disease, I thought it was part of this whole deal that I was having. It was actually getting it reaffirmed by somebody else that kind of made me go 'okay, this is a thing I have now' and so I went and I got a diagnosis from a doctor, and then I got on antidepressants and it was kind of juggling those for a while and trying to find ones that fit and it's kind of still an ongoing thing but I'm getting close to finding it.

I don't think I would be sitting here if I didn't go on antidepressants, I don't think I would be here if I didn't go and try and get help. That and my friends definitely, they asked me over and over and over again to get help and I was kind of like, 'I'm fine, I can handle it myself' and then they kind of managed to get me to see that I wasn't okay and that I did need help and that I couldn't handle it myself and so it's so good to have like your feelings validated and it's so good to have somebody there to just listen to you and tell you that, you know, it's not fault and that things will get better.

Don't leave it, keep going and so having somebody that's kind of fighting on your side while you're still kind of tying your shoelaces is kind of - a bit of - a really good thing.

Caitlin

I didn't actually know what, like, it was at first. Like, I just knew that something wasn't right and I just felt like, different. Like you're in this hole and like it's black and it's white and there's no colour and you're really lonely and it's scary 'cause you feel all these things, but I didn't know why I felt it.

I think I woke up one morning and I just couldn't even get out of bed and it just like, hit me, like really hard and I could like feel it and it was like, Can't do this, (laughs). I just went and saw my school counsellor, um, and I just talked and cried and then, you know, got it all out (laughs) and I found that it was scary to do that but you have to do it, like you have to say like, I don't wanna be like this anymore, and I need some help. I think, making people see that I can't just switch it off, like, people be like, 'Get over it!'

Like, you know, like, You just need to be happy, kind of thing but it's not like that, like it's, it's not black and white. Well, I know for me like, cause nothing had happened in my life, like, I felt like that I couldn't have depression like, 'cause nothing bad had ever happened to me so I feel like that could be a barrier for other people trying to get help, yeah, 'cause I'd say like, 'I've got depression, people would be like, 'But, what happened to you?'

Nothing happened to me and I got sick (laughs). I know myself a lot now, I'm very self-aware now um, and that I'm a lot closer with my family. And I know how to get help for myself.

I saw John Kirwan, um, and he did a talk about his like, struggle with depression, um, and I felt like I could relate to it a lot because he was like; you know, he had kind of everything but he still got sick. I've got a photo with him, um and he signed my book (laughs) and it was cool. And like pretty much cried my whole way through his talk 'cause I was like, 'I felt like that!' And I could just relate to it so much, but it was really good.

Gabrielle

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. You know I got on medication and I've tried to take myself off it 'cause I didn't want to be on medication anymore and um, you know, I got very unwell, again. I didn't see a lot of happy days. I was you know, in a very dark space.

I cried through most days. I thought I wasn't good enough, you know, for my family. I would have to say my dog, (laughs) she was actually my lifeline. Sort of like, someone for me to take care of, 'cause it's, you know, people do say it's much easier to deal with other peoples' problems than deal with your own, but, with her she was always happy and bouncing around and it was just like, she is no problem, she is great!

And then when I was 15 and I went into um, this day programme and I went up there every day of the week, like Monday to Friday, um, just so I was kept an eye on. And, in that time I got a really good counsellor and you know I could talk to her about anything and then she got me a support worker, like, out in the community, tried to get me out there again, you know, socialising 'cause I would just lock myself away pretty much.

So yeah, I thought that the service was fantastic absolutely fantastic, 'cause, like that helped me get through a really, really difficult time. Staying on my medication. I'd never, ever go off it like, without consulting my doctor ever again 'cause I just don't want to get back down to where I was. It was a really, really bad place to be. You know, I've actually got a lot in my life to be proud of that I didn't see when I was a teen.

The good thing that came out of my mental illness, is I got a job that I absolutely love in peer support work, 'cause, you know the way you get that job is, you've got to have experienced mental illness. You know, it's a great job, I love it, You know, you don't actually see a future for yourself when you're that low, but, yeah I do feel like a stronger person and I like the person I am, now. You know, I did judge myself a lot when I was younger but as I've grown up I've learned to accept who I am.

Geoff

It started I guess, you could say, when I was young, not knowing um, not knowing it was the situation around me, with my Dad going to prison. Just not having that father figure there, that um, that a boy needs.

Yeah, when he came into the picture, in last year of high school, um my mum passed away and so that really hit home for me because growing up she was both mother and father, um, taking care of eight kids, you know, working two jobs that did trigger my depression, was losing my mother. Um, when I hit my low, I guess I could say I was in a dark place 'cause I actually started hurting myself; take the pain away with more pain. I got into a lot of drugs, smoking weed that whole first term I did it every day, morning, afternoon, I went and drunk with my cousins.

I just took the car, and I was just drinking, drinking, um, I blacked out, knocked out and they waked me up to move, move my car - they said that morning I was so emotional. I was like, calling out to my mum and um, they said I didn't listen to any of them, um as soon as I reversed I took off, sped off. Yeah, so I swerved and I smashed into a light post and um I broke one of the bones in my back. What really hit me was, when my girlfriend came and as soon as she saw me she just started crying.

Um, made me realise that what I was doing, not only to myself but to everyone else, really affected them more than me. And so, after hospital you know, I realised that you know, my friends that I was hanging out with, what their lifestyle was, was they just wanted to huh drink, you know, work, drink, smoke weed and I told them, 'Oh nah, you know I'm dropping that stuff now, I just want a change', 'cause you know, what I've been through.

And um, like friends they would mock me; you know just go, 'Oh yeah sweet, nah; not boys anymore, eh? You don't wanna roll with us. But they were you know, they were just taking the mickey out of it, and they were real understanding. They had that love for me and I had that love for them as well. It was like, what we started was like a brotherhood for a lifetime.

Like, it's still an ongoing battle with me, you could say, ah, especially having, opening up to family like, my little brother, my older brother and my girlfriend. You know, going back on what I've been through, um, always thinking about my mum and what she'd say, 'cause she was strong.

Hannah

When you're depressed you world, genuinely, loses its colour. You just don't feel anything. You don't, and that's a scary feeling when you don't feel anything. About the age of 13, 14, I had a major knee injury and that stopped my whole life and I actually had time to think.

I went from being... having jazz ballet three times a week plus rep netball to having nothing, especially trying to get into medicine, um, extremely high expectations and I would get depressed if I wasn't getting top marks, so I didn't I think back now and I didn't really have much of a life at high school. I always wanted to be a doctor, I missed out getting into medicine; pre-med at Uni by three points. I lost a sense of myself in it. I remember my Dad just saying just go out for a run because that's what I used to do, I used to go out for runs and you know, do everything. Being depressed, it's so easy for someone to just say, 'go and exercise, it will make you feel better'. But when you're in a depression you don't want to do anything.

My Mum was wise enough to pick up on indicators that I was not getting better, that I was only getting; I was only spiralling further and further down the rabbit hole. I remember my first ever time at counselling she gave me tough love, pretty much like told me to get out of the car (laughs) but like, I wouldn't have got out of the car otherwise and I wouldn't of realised how beneficial my counselling was if I didn't end up going and eating healthy because food, has a massive part to play in your wellbeing and like 'state of mind' and not being so hard on yourself.

Treating yourself like you're your best friend. So I do um, bachelor of social work, I'm going into my second year and I love it, I've always wanted to help people and to me growing up, the epitome of helping someone was to be a doctor and I quickly learnt in my first year of Uni that actually sometimes there is better ways of helping people before they even have to go to a doctor.

Krystal Lee

I was really young, I was 18 at the time when I had my first boy and, um, I didn’t realise that this sadness that I was feeling was something called depression.

You have a baby young, it’s um, it’s like you’ve got something to prove, you know? You don’t want to be, ah, that stereotypical so you know, you feel like you can’t show weakness that you’re not coping so at the time, you know I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone.

It’s really, it’s not a nice place to be and I guess at that time there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, you know? You’re just like I said, your judgment is clouded but because of my family, because of my mother also suffered from depression, she noticed the signs and she picked it up and, ah, when my Mum told me, you know, ‘You have postnatal depression’, I was in denial, I said, “No I don’t”.

You know, where would I be today if they didn’t notice that? Which you know, was lucky for me because I was so stubborn and that I didn’t have the confidence or you know, to be straight up, to tell her you know, I am sad, I am really sad and I don’t know, you know, how to not feel sad, but because she saw it and she noticed that I wasn’t myself and that, you know. My friends noticed that I wasn’t you know keeping in contact with everybody and I was just sticking to myself.

When you have people you know, telling you they love you and that they care about you it gives you warm fuzzies you know? It eliminates that darkness, you know, that feeling of a heavy heart. I did this wānanga (workshop) and it stuck with me ever since. "Ko au the taupā, kīhai e kore ai e puāwai ōku moemoeā" which means: You are the only boundary to the fruition of your dreams. So basically I can do and be whatever I want to, you know.

I think I’m so much stronger after all of that I feel like you know, anything is possible, if I can overcome that then I can overcome anything. For me, I think it’s not what, you know, what happens to you or what comes to you, it’s how you handle the situation that will say a lot about you so for me, always finding the positive in anything. Sometimes good things fall apart so great things can fall together.

Samantha

Obviously the earthquake's had an effect on everyone in Christchurch. I don't think anyone can say that it didn't impact them in one way or another and although like, our house was fine and you know, everyone in our family was fine, it just kind of broke the settling into high school stage.

Just trying to make friends, you know, it kind of stopped the whole bonding time so I think that definitely impacted the way that I fit in at school and felt about myself with my friend group. The way I saw things, it felt like you had a filter on your life, it was real black and white so the thinking wasn't like if you had a positive thought it would definitely be shut down by something negative. It wasn't me, it wasn't my personality and it definitely took over my mind and so I was definitely worried how other people would've seen me. Being hospitalised was a very different experience.

You don't wanna put yourself in that situation but once you've kind of so far and that you realised that you can't take care of yourself anymore, it's a relief to have other people, ah, take care of you and be telling you what to do on the days that you don't want to do anything. I wouldn't say that I was confident reaching out for help but I realised that I couldn't stay like this forever and I didn't want to live life in such a down place, I wanted to make a change.

Ah, family would be the big thing that helped through this experience 'cause they're always there and they instantly know that somethings up and they can help you through that, even if you don't verbalise it to them. Playing the flute, which has been a real big part throughout my experience of mental illness. Its always been there, something that I can reach to. So whether that's just playing in school groups or practicing by myself, that's been a real big part.

Another thing that makes me feel good is definitely church which has been a big part of my life as well, it's nice just going to see, you know, everyone really happy and a positive environment to be in. My wellbeing now is a lot different than what it used to be so just being much more enthusiastic about life in general, than enjoying actually going to school and having friends to hang out with is nice and such a change from where I was originally. I'm definitely really proud of what I've achieved in, although it seemed like a real long time, it's quite a short space of time in life span.

Scottie

I know it might sound a bit cliche but you just don't feel worth anything. So that my family life, my father, you'd say the wrong thing and you know, he'd beat you up. You know, that's not something a young guy needs to see, he needs a strong Dad, you know, he needs a leader, someone's whose confident, someone who will show him the way.

My Dad and my Mum split up and I was saying to her, you know, "I'm 100% committed to you, you're my Mum, you know, I won't let you go", and she didn't want to have anything to do with me it seemed. So I moved into a house with one of my good friends. When I say there was no food in the cupboards or the fridge, there was nothing but drug paraphernalia, so I was only 14, 15 at the time and I had no one, apart from my friend, I had no one at all and I just felt empty, alone, lost.

I was at my lowest and I didn't know him from a bar of soap, like he was just another guy in the church and he was the one that kinda said, you know, "Are you doing alright, what's going on, you're not your normal self?" Um, and it was through that, that I felt that he was approachable, he was, um, he was my saviour as such. I felt like it was safe to go to him.

He was a male role model who I felt you should be. He said to me right from the get go, it doesn't matter whether its four in the morning or four in the afternoon, if you need me, you text me and I'll be there. Him saying that to me, you know, was a huge help. I'm not going to lie, it was a long process and even today I still feel like I'm dealing with some things but it was good. You know, you start to feel a lot better. That's the biggest thing eh, just being able to see that there is stuff outside of the situation that you're in now.

Sofia

So I kind of had like a tough kinda time settling into high school, like I think most people do. I didn’t really understand myself or like, what I liked doing or who I was or anything and so I was just so self-conscious and so I’d sit in class and just like, I’d just feel like everyone was looking at me and even though they weren’t.

You know, it’s kind of quite cruel the whole kind of depression thing because you have no proof that it’s there; it’s all very kind of inside you and so personal and awkward. If I’d broken my leg, people wouldn’t care that I was sitting out of P.E. or if I’d gotten really sick before an assignment was due, people wouldn’t care that I was, you know, handing in my assignment late. To feel like everyone else was thinking it as well was really hard. I was kind of, I felt really guilty because I had people say to me, you know, you’ve got… ‘Oh your life is so great, you know, you’re so lucky” and I just felt so abnormal and, like I just thought that I’d never get better.

I was seeing a councillor already and I went and saw the doctor and she put me on antidepressants and everything so after that, I started figuring out that I had stuff that I could do that helped me cope, like I started exercising and after exercising for about half an hour I’d feel like I didn’t have that kind of fog and I could think really clearly and I’d go back to class after going to the gym at lunchtime and I’d just feel, I’d feel like I did when I didn’t have depression.

Now I’ll go out and go for walks, or go surfing or go to the beach and you know, a lot of that kind of stuff. Like, I’d love to say that there was a person in my life that was really strong for me and everything, and there was a lot of people that were there for me constantly, you know, like my family and my friends were just amazing. I kind of learnt to have faith in myself being able to get through things. You know, I’m really strong in who I am and I know what I enjoy, I know how to be myself and… but I definitely found that my strength was in me and that I just needed to figure out to kind of get to that strength.

Victoria

Because I was quite high up in my badminton career that quite a few people knew me, even like, people from like, Australia because I would play international tournaments. At a very young age I would, increasingly improve, so then I would be, pretty much a top seed every time I play a tournament.

And there was always an expectation that, I would always win tournaments and I thought that I was mentally strong on court. Because of that reputation I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want them to think that I wasn't that mentally strong. Like, what happens if I wasn't actually as strong as they thought I was? When I was still playing badminton it would just be the self-harming three days or so before the tournament, that was when I would get all my emotions out.

Eventually became a habit and that was when I realised that I kept having bandages on my hands and wrists and I was scared that people would realise. So, when I quit, I thought that I would stop self-harming but eventually, not because of badminton, but because of exams and like Uni and studies and stuff, that anxiety levels kept with me. That was when um, things got really dark and I knew that I needed help, um 'cause it got to the point where there was a lot of suicidal thoughts and just didn't want to be here anymore pretty much.

And when I started taking meds, I did feel a bit different, 'cause all those dark thoughts suddenly stopped and I was thinking, How come I'm not thinking those dark thoughts anymore?'

And that was when things started improving and I was, ahhh, more like getting happier every day and I kept thinking there is actually hope that I can actually recover and also there's actually better days coming. I realise that whenever I do crafts and things that I concentrate on, that was when I would start calming down. I got into a hobby of making these wallets, these duct tape wallets where a lot of concentration is required. Back then I wouldn't be able to say this but I do feel like I'm a survivor, well, pretty much still an ongoing thing but I feel that I can actually get through it, so I feel like I'm a warrior, you could say.

Waiata

So when I was in like the depths of my depression, and I was going through anxiety; like yeah, it's real lonely and it's, I think it's frustrating. You know, I think it's frustrating, I was real worried about peoples perception of me; real over-think, like be held back from opportunities and stuff because of opinions.

I've done that so much though that it's sort of like, stopped me from being able to like, just be. But there's no point to really leave home or anything, like, 'cause you like; you know like, build like safe nets around yourself in your room and all that eh, and like, there's no point to go out there. Go out there all you're gonna do is face anxiety (laughs) and stuff so just stay in. I know my quality of life would be better if I did. For some reason I still didn't (laugh) like I still would just stay there. You did not wanna do any, didn't really wanna talk to people. You know what it really was?

It was just really like, getting out there and doing things and like, trying new experiences, like, that helped me a lot eh, like, my mate took me along to one rugby practice and I never would have went because I would have been like too self-conscious and I would have thought like, started thinking like, 'All those fella's are looking at me while Im walking over there'. Just push myself to do things, even if I don't want even if I do get like self-conscious I still just 'cause it works better for me. Like um, I noticed that I was having, I was living and being happier if I just did things.

I realise that if I just stayed closed and not doing it, doing it, I wouldn't achieve it. Way stronger than I was. But I still get like, little like, anxiety things, like, in my head but I just ignore them. I never used to; I used to like let them control me. But my best advice, was like, to make myself the best person I could be. I got told that by like, someone, to make myself the best person I could be. And it's like, I'm getting ready to go to University to do a Bachelor in Arts. Real interested in the way that people work and what makes them think and I'll go give it a go and try change the quality of my life so I can make some better initiatives for my community when I get older.